You might be asking yourself what speaking has to do with spirituality but the Buddhists consider it important enough that Right Speech shows up both in the Eightfold Path and the Five Precepts. Quakers include integrity as one of the SPICES. Integrity includes many of the same key concepts as Right Speech.
Clearly it’s important but just what does it mean? To start with, right in this context is not right and left nor right and wrong. Right is like righting a ship or a right angle. Some reduce Right Speech to merely not lying, but it can mean significantly more than that as our reading today demonstrated. The Buddha described it with four things to avoid including false speech, slanderous speech, harsh speech, and idle chatter.[1]
Jesus pushes us to go beyond lying to not taking oaths to prove our honesty. The way that you speak both flows from who you are and feeds into who you will be. As Jesus says, “what goes out of the mouth comes from the heart. And that’s what contaminates a person in God’s sight.”[2] Today, I will focus on four aspects of Right Speech: Trustworthiness, kindness, non-rumor mongering, and responsibility.
Trustworthiness may begin with not lying, but it is far more expansive. Jesus cautioned us to not set up special situations when you know we are telling the truth because we add on an oath.[3] In our society politicians take oaths and so do soldiers. When you buy a house it may take you an hour to sign all of the documents with which you are agreeing.
Historically, Quakers have taken the matter of oaths very seriously. We refused to swear any sort of oath and offered a handshake agreement rather than a complicated legal document. Even Quaker wedding vows were simple: “In the presence of God and these our Friends, I take thee to be my wife, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful husband as long as we both shall live.”
Listen to yourself when you say “honestly” or “to tell the truth.” Rather just tell the truth always. In Jesus’s words “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” Let people know what you are saying is true and be always honest so that people do not have to question your words. In the past, Quakers were known refuse to haggle over prices and just set a bottom line price. This was during a time when you couldn’t just see prices posted for what you would pay. Everything was up for negotiation and if you were not skilled you would not get a fair price.
Promise only what you can deliver. If it is not within your authority to decide on a topic do not answer as if it is. If you do not have the information someone requests then admit it. Commit only to finding out and getting back with them. Answer based on your current knowledge and let people know later if things have changed. This is sometimes hard for me, because I would rather not answer when I am not certain. There is a vulnerability in putting out precisely what you can know and no more nor less.
Thich Nhat Hanh mentions speaking kindly in several ways in his explanation of Right Speech: “cultivate loving speech;” “speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope,” and “refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break.” Jesus may not have spoken directly about speaking kindly, but it is not a leap from “Love your neighbor as yourself” to be considerate of others when talking.
Quakers have not always done well at this. Quaker “plain speech” was blunt and without subtlety. As someone on the Autism Spectrum, I have to take special care not to hurt feelings. I am known to be honest because I tell things straight out, but I know diplomacy can be important. Remember that just because something is truthful does not mean you have to say it. If something will be upsetting, consider whether it is important to share.
Do not threaten. Do not coerce. Speak in a way that the person listening can make their own decision and not merely make it from a place of fear.
Even when offering critiques or evaluations, frame the message in a way that will help people to receive them better. As a high schooler, critiques of my essays were hard to take. I needed the help, but I couldn’t hear it. As a seminary student, I was taught to balance the prophetic with the pastoral. It may feel good to speak boldly and lay all of your feelings out there, but this is not always what others need. If you come across as too harsh then people cannot receive your message. Kindness goes beyond being good because caring for others matters. Kindness also makes us effective. According to Thich Nhat Hanh, “Understanding make love and compassion possible, and when love and compassion are present understanding deepens.[4]”
Right Speech is not spreading rumors. Right Speech is not gossiping. Rumors tear down communities. Rumors undermine trust. It does not matter if there is truth to what you are saying when you are sowing discord. If someone wants to gossip with you, redirect the conversation. If they want to complain about someone, encourage them to talk with the person directly. If you are not up for direct confrontation, then you can also just change the topic.
I have experienced people saying negative things behind my back. I have had whisper campaigns against me at least three times in my life. This is where people say negative things behind my back. Once it happened in high school, once in college and more than once as an adult. Twice it worked for the person pushing negative things and I was pushed out of the group. One time when it happened as an adult the community was healthy enough that the gossips were the ones who were pushed out of the community after getting a final chance to stop being negative.
Guard against spreading gossip. Ask yourself is this mine to tell? Am I telling this because it makes me feel important? Do I know this to be true? If it’s too good to be true or too terrible to be true then maybe it isn’t true. If what you are saying is about fulfilling your ego needs then reconsider whether it is useful to say.
Your words have consequences. It is not enough to have good intentions or just be unaware. We must strive to speak in ways that our words heal rather than hurt and inspire rather than discourage. Focus on solutions not anger and blame. Speech forms you and those around you. To truly change your speech you must change your heart. Strive to be trustworthy and kind. Do not spread rumors and do accept responsibility. Your words are powerful. Claim that power and use your words wisely.
How have the words affected you?
When have the words you said had a deep impact on others?
[1] https://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/right-speech-samma-vaca/
[2] Matthew 15:11
[3] Matthew 5:33-37
[4] pg 180, “Religious Experience is Human Experience,” Thich Nhat Hanh, Living Buddha, Living Christ
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